8 TIPS FOR TALKING ABOUT MONEY WITH YOUR SPOUSE
Discussions around money tend to be one of the most contentious parts of a relationship.
In fact, money issues are listed as one of the main reasons for divorce.
You want to have a healthy marriage, so learn how to get comfortable talking about money with one another.
If finances are currently an uncomfortable topic in your household, use these 8 quick tips to learn how to communicate better:
Tip 1: Speak From a Position of Openness and Vulnerability
If you and your spouse frequently bicker about money, here’s a simple trick you can use: the next time you need to have a financial conversation, sit down on the couch or a chair across from each other and use an open, vulnerable body language position.
Face your spouse with your palms facing upward. Don’t signal resistance or hostility by keeping your arms crossed or even turning your body away.
Although this might sound overly simple or even cheesy, proper body language is important. Using a position of openness can communicate to your spouse that you are actively working to reduce hostility in the conversation.
Tip 2: Pause When Things Get Heated
In advance, decide on a signal you and your spouse can use whenever a money conversation gets too intense.
When my wife and I were learning how to talk about money, we used a timeout signal. (For those of you unfamiliar with American football, this is a “T” formed with the hands).
If I could feel myself getting anxious, or I could tell she was getting that way, I would signal for a timeout—a temporary break from the conversation.
We both agreed this signal wasn’t an act of hostility, and it helped us converse with each other without hitting that “point of no return.”
Tip 3: Deal With Grief Around Money
Some financial situations are so traumatizing that it’s possible for both members to experience PTSD.
If you’ve ever had significant money trouble, allow yourself to recognize the seriousness of what happened, and go through the necessary steps to process your grief. Depending on your situation, you may need to pick up a book on sorrow or even speak with a professional.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge that you’ve been through a storm and you need to process your feelings. Don’t be ashamed to deal with the sadness left over from a serious financial issue.
Tip 4: Clean Up Your Thinking Around Money
A person’s skill with money will always default to their inner beliefs. In other words, no matter how much skill or training you may have, you will always come back to what you perceive to be true.
If you have any ideas about money that are destructive and need to be cleaned up, keep an eye out for helpful tools that will aid you in removing these from your life.
Financial coaching can help to accomplish this. Search for trusted financial leaders who can not only help you in developing skills, but will point you in the right direction of healing any wounds that are skewing your perspective.
Tip 5: Listen to Your Words Because They’re Clues
This is the idea of the victim, villain, and hero mindsets.
When you listen to the words you say—as well as what your spouse is saying—you can get a sense of how your money mindset operates.
The victim mindset sounds like “Situations always happen to me! It’s hopeless.” The victim is always reacting negatively to circumstances. Victims struggle to come up with solutions because they are always steeped in fear.
The villain paradigm says “How dare this person or situation happened to me! I’m going to get even!” Villains only look out for themselves, and won’t think twice about hurting others to accomplish their tasks. The villain mindset is the classic orphan mentality.
The hero’s point of view is the mindset we want to choose. It’s the belief system that says no matter what is happening, we can stay positive and keep moving forward.
Tip 6: Make Difficult Decisions From a Place of Identity, Purpose, and Vision
Good sailors aren’t made on flat seas. They’re built in fierce storms.
When waves are tough, find the courage to throw unnecessary items overboard. Some of these items may be assets or opportunities we thought were good at the time but need to released.
Although letting go of assets can make couples feel like they’re failing, it’s better to get rid of the extra weight now than to experience greater loss in your marriage by straining your relationship.
If you need to make any difficult off-boarding decisions, remember that life is better pulled than pushed. Don’t live reactively and be driven by your financial needs. “Pull” your life from the front with identity, purpose, and vision.
Tip 7: Share What You’re Thinking With Your Spouse
Recently my wife and I traveled to Estonia to do ministry, and I asked her, “How would you describe our communication style?”
“I talk to you a lot inside my head,” Dawna said. She was right. My wife tends to sift through a lot of information internally and later realizes that I have no idea what she’s talking about—because we never actually had a conversation.
This kind of mental discussion can happen in any marriage. So make sure to speak out loud to one another and articulate your thoughts.
Tip 8: Get on the Same Page
Finding out each other’s goals and crafting plans is one of the best ways to stay ahead in your finances. Here are some goals you can try:
Articulate your ideas. What are the two of you hoping your finances will look like?
Come to an agreement about where you are going. Understand each other’s needs and concerns, and build a plan to move forward together.
Activate your plan. Make it as practical as possible. Create lists, if necessary, and cross off each task as you complete them. You can even have fun and give each other creative rewards for accomplishing goals or errands.
You Can Do This
When money’s concerned, nothing is impossible. You can turn your finances around and build a prospering home. All you need are some basic tools to come together as a team and equip you for moving forward.
If you want to know about strengthening your home’s finances, check out my Financial Keys for Couples training.
